I’m not sure how she got in. I think it was through an open window, but she sneaked in and made herself at home. Self-loathing was her name. She was a large presence; she filled up most of any space. She would show me all my flaws. Telling me I needed to be thinner, younger, fitter. I could never please her. Soon, her close relative, ‘comparison’, barged her way in. At least she sat quietly in a corner most days, but when I let her speak, she had an incredibly loud voice. Com

Our house feels like living inside a musical. Not necessarily in the song quality, but definitely in quantity. It’s hard to say "Hello," "You're welcome," or "We're halfway there" without someone breaking into song. And it’s not just music. Our days are packed with lines from films, adverts, and TV shows. “Coffee, coffee, boy, do I need coffee!” “Bacon is good for me!” I’m not sure it’s entirely normal (which is why I try to restrain myself in public), but it’s definitely n

And so it's done. My beautiful, funny, loving, caring, thoughtful and wonderful Mum has gone to be with her Jesus. The funeral services were held five days after she died - a minor miracle in itself - and what a wonderful send-off it was. A private family service in the morning, the most precious time imaginable – no formality at all, just a time of sharing precious thoughts, poems, prayers and songs, with pastor Steve from Mum's church, CCK, who has pastored us through th

There are so many beautiful miracles recorded in the Bible. Jesus turned water into wine. Jesus healed the blind, the deaf and the lame. A woman who had been to so many Doctors because of her bleeding just touched the hem of Jesus’s cloak and was healed. Jesus healed a boy when he was in another town. He didn't even need to be in proximity to him. Jesus told the woman at the well about her past, not to shame or condemn her, but to show her the way to live a full, free life, w

We all live our lives by a certain set of values, things that are central to our lives, to what we believe and what we shape our lives around. Sometimes we don't even consciously realise that certain things are "core values", but we live by them nevertheless. Goals are about what you do, whereas core values are about who you are. When our son returned from his first year at Bethel in America, he shared with us about how he ha d formed his own personal "core values", and I ca

One of the first things that Father told me after we found out about my loved one’s terminal cancer diagnosis was this: it’s not about the destination; it’s about the journey. He told me that the journey we would go on as a family would be something that would draw us even closer together, and that it would be a precious thing, something that we would remember and cherish with a heart full of thankfulness and wonder, not a bitter memory that we would try to forget. Society

I love walking in the dales and looking across the amazing patchwork quilt-like fields. Each field has a beautifully crafted dry stone wall as its border. Dry stone walls intrigue me. They have no cement to hold it together. Yet, a well-made wall can last up to 100 to 150 years. The builder starts with a good foundation, then chooses flat, wide stones and small stones to fill up the gaps. I found out that this technique is called hearting. I started thinking about walls in ge

Over the years, I have heard many stories about people who weren't able to be at their loved one's bedside when they died, and who battled with grief and sometimes even guilt, because they didn't get to say goodbye to them. I thought about this a lot, and it really bothered me. The bottom line is that I can't guarantee I will be there when my loved one dies, because in the majority of cases, we can't pinpoint the time when they go to join their Father in heaven. Not being t

I arrived at the station in plenty of time for a hot drink and to use the facilities. As I exited the car, I got an alert on my phone. Your train has been cancelled. I needed to be at my destination at a certain time as I was supporting my friend at an appointment. I looked at the screen with the vast arrays of times and destinations and was baffled. Anyone who truly knows me knows that my sense of direction is appalling, so I didn’t want to choose a train that was going in t

II - Roses and Wrinkles I am realising that death, or at least anticipated death, is changing my perspective on almost everything. For example, I was given some beautiful roses for my birthday. They are so lovely that I automatically leant forward to smell them, but found they had no fragrance at all. They looked like they should have had the most beautiful sweet aroma, but there was nothing …they smelt of nothing. Not bad, not sweet, just nothing. I'm told they are grown

Photo by John Price on Unsplash I don’t actually stand at the front anymore. I stand at the very back of the room. Maybe I’m avoiding being seen. The jury’s still out on that. But week after week, I slip to the back, lean in, and watch—housed and unhoused, churched and unchurched, all turned toward a band I used to stand in front of. Now I’m behind everyone, quietly asking a question I never thought I’d have to ask: Have I spent years worshiping… or performing? I carry this

I'm on a journey at the moment. It's a hard journey, a journey full of pain and grieving, but also a journey which includes touches of beauty and moments of grace. Someone very dear to me was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and hasn't got very much longer to live on this earth, although thankfully, she has an eternity to live in heaven. So why have I called my blog Fields of Grace? Well, last week I was worshipping God and praying about the situation and the journey

Well, this is it – the last Walking Through Wilderness blog! If you’ve been with me on this journey, whether for a short or long time, thank you. Thank you so much for sharing in and being a part of my story, my memories, my ramblings and revelations. My hope is that these blogs have helped inspire you to dig your own well and to press into God as your source of life, instead of looking to other people. Remember to celebrate the victories you’ve encountered, even the little o

At the start of the year, our beautiful town was hit with tragedy. We all carried the heaviness of the heartache. In times of pain and shock, it is so easy to blame God and ask the question, "Where was God?" "Why did He not stop this from happening?" These are questions that are not easily answered. In my own life, tragedy hit my own family with the death of my sister in a horrendous car accident. Friends would say to me “ How can you believe in a God now?” My reply has alway

Hello again! In the last few blogs, we’ve been looking at the subject of dreams and how, when you’re in a wilderness season, you can lose sight of your dreams. For me, the future became a scary, rather hopeless place. When you want to avoid any more disappointment, you will tend to shut down your dreams, goals, and any hopes for the future, and just focus on surviving one day at a time. That's what I did. I need to say at this point that, compared to millions of people all o

When you’re in a wilderness, the most natural mindset to adopt is one of survival. I talked about having a ‘survival mindset’ in my last blog, and today, we’re going to take that one step further. There is another way of thinking that is just as detrimental as a survival mentality, and which often goes hand in hand with it: a poverty mentality. These two negative ways of thinking are similar in that they both have an engrained mindset of helplessness. The survival mentality

Dear child, I’m inviting you to take some time with me. Life is so busy, and you quickly move from one thing to another. If your body isn’t moving, then your mind is racing with so many thoughts and worries I would love you to stop your hurrying and try and slow your racing thoughts and sit in a quiet place. Take a few moments and sit with me. Breathe in my peace. When we sit together, please don’t feel you have to say anything. Prayer isnt complicated. Just be still. Let th

Hi, and welcome back. Last time I shared with you about a traumatic experience I had at a creative seminar I attended. On that day, I realised that I no longer had any dreams, and that hope had been banished from my heart. Everything came crashing down; I was in shock. How had I let myself get into such a mess? I asked Holy Spirit that question, and He told me that I had been living in ‘survival mode’. Everything I did was subconsciously designed with the aim of just surviv

I remember feeling sick. A stone lay in the pit of my stomach, along with a sense of immense panic. What was wrong? Why couldn’t I do it? I was at a creative workshop, in a session focused on the power of our imagination and our ability to dream with God. The speaker used an analogy based on C S Lewis’s book “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”, brilliantly brought to our screens in the Chronicles of Narnia films. In the film, a large wardrobe was the doorway that led to a

Today, we bring to a close the theme of ‘Free to Be Me’. The process of understanding who we truly are, who God created us to be, is a long one. However, it is so wonderful when you get to the stage when you are able to say that you not only love who you are, but you actually like yourself too! For many, many years, I couldn’t say that. I didn’t like myself. I sort of loved myself, because I was told that, if you’re a Christian, you must love yourself, otherwise you’re rejec