Standing at the Crossroads

Photo by bschwehn on Freeimages.com

I see myself standing at a crossroads.  Ahead of me, I can see the narrow path that leads to life.  I well know how much it will cost.  I wonder if I have the courage to take the path that my heart wants me to take. Will I finally listen to my heart and not my head?  Because my heart knows the way.

I stand, feeling so inadequate, as if my mustard seed of faith and trust in the goodness of God is so pitifully small, but He knows it is all I have.  Is it enough?  Slowly, I realise that to Him it is the widow’s mite - He knows I’m choosing to give all I have.  And that ministers deeply to His heart.

I ask Him, “Why me?  You know how much I struggle to trust you - why can’t you choose someone else? They would do this so much better.  I don’t have what it takes. You know how my faith and trust have been so battered and broken at the hands of so many, to the extent that I lost hope in life altogether.” But God.

I hear His kind voice gently whisper. “I choose you.  I trust your heart.  After all of the trials you have walked through, you have proved yourself faithful.  Even when you thought that life might crush you completely, you never turned away from Me.  I alone have seen the road you have walked.  I know I can trust you with the precious things that are on My Heart.  I have so much more for you than you yet know.”

A peace settles in my heart.   He sees it all so differently!

All will be well because He is with me.  That is all I need to know.

I see the Father smile and take my hand.  

And all of a sudden, this courage and strength rise up in me that I never knew that I had.  It’s His strength made perfect in my utter weakness.  I realise I need to depend on Him.

I think this is what He meant when, a few months ago, He showed me all the structures around me falling until there was nothing left but me and Him.

Is He enough? There is only one way to find out!

In His grace, He positions kind, brave and wise ones around me along the road- those who seem to know who I really am.  Those who know who God is in a way that I don’t.  Yet.  Their eyes shine with life and hope.  They tell me I can do this - that I can cross over the finish line and let go of the old. They believe in me.

My heart starts to beat again.  Is this what it feels like to truly live life in all its fullness?  To be fully alive?  And if so, surely the risk is worth it.

I stand with the Father- counting the cost, wrestling with my fears, hearing His voice of love and truth over and over, and His wisdom.. and I gradually realise that with Him I can do this. I can cross over to the other side - because He is enough.  He is in me and has already gone before me.  I am blessed and highly favoured.

So.. I cross over.  I let go of my job, and I cling to Him.  There is no going back now.  But to my surprise, all I feel is peace, hope, excitement and joy!

The Father and I begin to walk forward together. Forwards down the narrow road which leads to life.  

Finally, a momentum starts to build after so many years of feeling stuck.

There is an acceleration and a falling into place.

An ease starts to come.

Winter turns to Spring overnight.

I feel a fresh wind and a newness of life and hope that I have not felt in many years.  Could it be that anything is possible?

Maybe in my rational mind, none of this makes sense, but I know in my spirit that this is the right way to go

And the Father gently helps me all the way.  He never leaves me, not even for a moment.

He draws me to His heart and leads me out.

He gently and kindly rebuilds my trust in Him, as my healer, my provider and my good, good Father

He never once punishes me for not having more faith - He understands my story

He restores that which has been stolen

He takes care of me when I am too sick to even get out of bed

He sends practical help when I am totally helpless

He gives me time back

He orders my steps - with no help from me!

He gives me the times of rest and worship that my heart has been longing for

He listens to my cries of desperate longing for Him!

Even when I am too weak to do anything to impress Him or earn His love, He pours it into me in deep ways that I have never experienced before, and I will never forget

And slowly my heart starts to realise - He truly loves me! I can trust Him! He is good to me and will take care of me.

I hear His constant kind whisper that brings peace to my heart.  

His rhema words of life jump off the page and bring life to me

I feel stronger, braver, full of love, confident in His goodness, and more able to lean into Him for provision whenever I feel the fears start to resurface in my heart

For He has pursued me with a relentless love that never gives up

He is bigger than every one of my mistakes and failures

He answered my prayers for help to trust Him, and for help to open my heart to Him again after so many years of disappointment, hurt and pain

Surely You hear our cries and answer us when we call

You never leave or forsake us

Truly, your goodness and mercy chase us down and find us wherever we are

I praise you because your works are wonderful

You crown us with Your love and compassion

The best is yet to come!

Isaiah 49